I am helping one of my clients experience some very painful moments from her past. She wrote this particularly raw expression of what it is like for her to do. She is very courageous. Used with permission.
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Before she even knocks, he says “Come in.”
Entering a small room with a living area and a kitchenette, she immediately eyes the stove, knowing what will happen shortly.
The Coach makes a joke, trying to ease into the situation; trying to make her laugh, so she can relax for later sharing and experiencing.
Coach instructs, “It’s time now; please stand up.”
She obediently stands to her feet, although with much hesitation. As he faces her, the Coach talks quietly and draws her back into her past. He asks the questions, and she remembers. As the remembrance of pain draws closer she can no longer look into his eyes. Her eyes close tight; somehow she must not go “quite there”.
“Melissa, Open your eyes.”
She opens her eyes. Yet immediately her head turns to the left as she unconsciously drifts into the trance.
Coach puts his hands on both her shoulders. “Look at me Melissa.” “Look directly at me. Focus on me. Come back to reality. You can do this.”
Slowly she turns to re-focus on her Coach’s face, on his voice, on his request.
“Now, together we will do this.” As one unit, they walk to the stove where the coiled burner is red hot.
“I cannot feel this pain for you; you must do it yourself. But I am right next to you. I am right here. And I will be here when it’s over.”
She doesn’t want to touch it. She doesn’t want to re-experience the pain. Her body screams not to do this. Don’t invite more pain.
Some days the Coach only requests she touch one finger to a hot coil. Today, though, she must put her whole hand flat on the red burner.
He holds her left hand, as her right hand stretches toward the coil.
Trembling; her entire body shakes.
Mentally she takes flight and leaves the room. Her hand stretches out and is placed on the heat.
The pain seers throughout her body. She can no longer stay in a trance. She has to feel what is right in front of her; what she is experiencing at the moment.
Several moments pass.
“OK, you can let go now,” says Coach.
Removing her hand from the burner she starts to shake uncontrollably. For the next 5 minutes her body is in tremors.
Her heart palpitates so fast it feels like it will come out of her chest.
“Take a deep breath. Keep breathing in and out. In and out,” she instructs herself.
Slowly she calms herself.
Coach watches her body start to relax again.
They pray together; she heads to the door. Once out the door, she slowly plods through the hallway. Her feet feel like lead; her heart heavy from the experience.
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Burner
Friday, April 24, 2009
What would my life be like without my character defects?
A life without People Pleasing would allow me more energy physically, emotionally and mentally. It would afford me the opportunity to do some fun creative things that I’m currently unable to do because at the end of the day I don’t have the energy to carry them out. I would be free to be me, be accountable to me and not looking for someone else’s approval, so I can feel good about myself.
A life without Exaggeration or Deceitfulness would allow me the opportunity to be straightforward and not worry about what others think. I would not have to make myself look better to other people than I really am or put on appearances that I am better than what does actually exist in my life. I will get my esteem from within rather than from the outside and as I moderate myself others will listen, and hear me as I’m not exaggerating something which causes them to question what I am saying.
A life without Dishonesty and Lying would allow me freedom from that sick feeling that erupts in my stomach when I am being dishonest or lying. It would help me to walk in integrity without the fear of being found out as a liar. I could esteem myself from within rather than seeking to do so from others as I moderate myself and learn to use boundaries well. Integrity would allow me to be humble and admit when I thought more of myself rather than submitting to a process that I formerly didn’t give any credit to.
A life without acting out a Hypochondriac/Physical Injury would allow me freedom to live my life well. To not have to have an illness to get someone’s attention, but to find other means to get my needs met and to be recognized for some accomplishments other than recognized for sicknesses or injuries. I can deal with the real problems or feelings that I’m faced with and not have to injure myself in an attempt to withdraw from life’s circumstances I’m afraid to face. I would accept that I have value and run with it and not hide from it.
A life without Blaming Others For My Circumstances would allow me to take ownership for my thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and actions. I would not need to look for an individual to accuse, blame, criticize, ridicule or attack when something doesn’t go as I have planned. Instead I get to own it and see how I could have done something better, so I can learn from it.
A life without Gossiping Against Those Who Oppose Me would allow me freedom and energy to do other things, learn to let go rather than hold a grudge, let someone else off the hook rather than expending energy to make someone pay for the opposition. Would allow others to feel safe and may cause them to want to draw near rather than to withdraw from me.
A life without Shutting Others Out would allow me to have friends, a sense of community for that is what I’ve longed for. It would allow others to speak into my life and I would not have to fear their rejection, but consider what they may have to offer me that would enhance my life. I would have the opportunity to learn rather than loose energy in keeping the one up position.
A life without Striving For Power and Recognition would allow me the opportunity to rest, be content and satisfied with who I am rather than trying to make a place for myself. I’d get to benefit from the scripture in Psalms or Proverbs that says your gift makes a place for you at the table. Proverbs 18:16 – A man’s gift maketh room for him, and bringeth him before great men.
A life without Indecisiveness would allow me time and energy to live more life. It would free me to make a decision and live with it and its consequences rather than “spinning” in regard to what I fear others might think concerning my decision or fear to appear less than based on my decision.
A life without Helplessness would allow me an opportunity to explore, grow, and feel a sense of accomplishment. It would cause me to know what the growing process feels like and to succeed rather than to shrink back out of fear. I would not have to be less than, but live in the sense of my own worth and value.
A life without being a victim would allow me to have a new identity. To reach for goals, believe in myself, to walk out of my circumstances rather than to accept that what life has given me is all that I am worthy of. It would allow me the opportunity to take new risks and risk succeeding rather than accepting the shame or less than position that has felt so comfortable.
A life without being irresponsible financially would allow me the opportunity to be at peace when low economic times encapsulate us. It would allow me to plan and prepare for my future instead of fearing it. I would plan for events and enjoy them rather than sulk that I wasn’t able to do something due to my lack of planning or sulk because others had more money than I did and had greater opportunities than I did. I would have the opportunity to get some things I want and be happy, but not bound by them.
A life without Irrational or Extreme Thinking would allow me be to be vulnerable, to risk sharing my hurts or fears rather than having to clothe myself in extreme or irrational thinking which most times leads to anger and an incongruent reality. It would allow me to practice moderation and be accepted rather than rejected for my immoderation.
A life without Perfectionism would allow me the opportunity to enjoy life, others and my environment without being on all the time. It would allow people to draw close rather than to risk me correcting their speech, fixing their shirt or picking a hair off their clothing. I could let go and conserve the energy to do other desirable things.
A life without Over Commitment would allow me the opportunity to enjoy life, not stress out or continue in a sense of chaos when I am overwhelmed by my commitments. I’d have to deal with my feelings rather than accept the discomfort I feel when chaos rears its head and I feel over committed.
A life without Misplaced Responsibility would allow me more freedom to live my life without getting into others. I don’t have to fix others and I have more time to do things that I will find satisfactory and enjoyable. I will get to observe other people and their choices, but will no longer feel obligated to fix them or offer them all my “wisdom” which they never wanted in the first place I learned much to my astonishment and horror when I was still so full of myself.
A life without being Critical of others would allow me the opportunity to compliment rather than criticize. Grow in acceptance rather than criticize. Grow in awareness rather than looking for someone to blame or expose so that I can feel better than at their expense.
A life without Pushing others to be my Higher Power would allow me the opportunity to think on my own feet. Allow me to own my thoughts feelings, wants and needs without pushing off my personal responsibility so I can blame another person rather than owning my own stuff around that. It would allow me to live a life that is fulfilling motivated by my own power rather than sucking the life out of someone else to discover what they think and allow me to think on my own without fearing the repercussions of my choices.
A life without Lack of Passion out of Fear would allow me to succeed. To explore my fears and find out what holds me back from succeeding or accomplishing those things that truly are hidden inside. I get to risk being known rather than withdrawing. Learn from any mistakes I make along the way and right them off as a lesson learned rather than spinning in shame as I’ve previously done.
A life without Explosive Expressions of emotions would allow me to be moderate, to feel the acceptance of others rather than the rejection of others. It would allow a great deal of peace which would replace the turbulence I have felt for so many years due to the chaos of felt both internally and externally. I would live the abundant life rather than the chaotic life of poor choices of not knowing how to identify my emotions, moderate them rather than allowing them to dominate me and protect others rather than spewing toxins out on another person making me an unsafe person to be near.
A life without Controlling the Reality of others would allow me to learn a new way to be comfortable. It would allow me to let go and let them discover their own consequences rather than be the “Food Queen, Health Queen, Know it All Porcupine Queen” which caused others to withdraw and hide from the discomfort I inflicted on others. We just watched 7 Pounds where there was a scene where the guy scared out of her mind a single mom with two kids whose boyfriend was being very abusive. She wasn’t ready to accept the truth and it was a great illustration to understand what I have been doing to others. When she was ready, she made the call. I can walk in awareness, but have more energy to extend grace, love, compassion or acceptance or state that would not be okay with me, but not feel responsible to change or fix them.
A life without an Inadequate Sex Life or Intimacy Issues would allow me to be vulnerable, state my sensual desires where I could be soft, tender and take greater risks to be known rather than demand, be harsh or critical. I would find tenderness as I’ve never know, learn more compassion and awareness in knowing my mate rather than hear that I don’t know him and we’ve lived together x# of years.
A life without Blocking intimacy with extreme conclusions would allow me be loved, valued and to be vulnerable rather than defending myself in fear that I might actually get what I want. It would allow us to draw close to one another in tenderness, taking risks to be known more and accepting my mate for his strengths as well as his weakness rather than requiring him to be strong all the time out of my fear that I will not be well protected or may suffer abuse again.
A life without Unnecessary Arguments would allow me to walk freely, not have to make myself look better when I feel small inside. I could deal with the past and forgive instead of making someone else pay for the former offenses of another. I could let go of the need for perpetual chaos and walk in dignity and self respect rather than tearing at other people’s value or shaming them for things that formerly triggered me and is really a place I am still wounded and need to grow in.
A life without Resentment, score keeping, and jealousy in relationships or concerning belongings would allow me the opportunity to grow in contentment, enjoy the things and relationships I have. Allow others the freedom to be themselves without manipulating them to give me some of what they have. To rejoice with another person rather than resent them for what they have relationally, financially, spiritually or emotionally.
A life without Self-Centeredness, Unable to be Present or Counted On would allow me the opportunity to live life without others being disappointed with me. I would no longer have to fear their judgment or fear letting them down. I could own my limits as well as know my strengths and accept that I do not have to be perfect or put on a facade that I am. Owning my weaknesses allow me to walk in awareness rather than self-centeredness; it allows me to be present rather than withdrawing out of inferior feelings that formerly dominated me; it allows other to count on me because I’ve already counted the cost before committing.
A life without My Way Or The Highway would allow me to walk in humility rather than a One Up position where I am always trying to prove myself value to myself and to others. It would allow me to make myself vulnerable and ask another person what their perspective is and how they would handle a situation. It would allow an opportunity to know others in a greater capacity and take the risk to let others be in control so I could loose control and enjoy the ride more often than not.
A life without Always Having To Be Right would allow me the same luxury that living without My Way or the Highway affords. It would allow me to walk in humility rather than a One Up position where I am always trying to prove myself value to me and to others. It would allow me to make myself vulnerable and ask another person what their perspective is and how they would handle a situation. It would allow an opportunity to no others in great capacity and take the risk to let others be in control so I could loose control and enjoy the ride more often than not.
A life without Low Self Esteem would allow me to grow in expressing myself, look for other ways to esteem myself and learn more of what I like, think, feel, want and need. It would afford me the opportunity to explore new things, take new risks and discover things I may have previously feared. Awareness of Low Self Esteem has opened up a myriad of new places I want to venture out in.
A life without An Inability to esteem others would allow me to encourage others. Look for ways to build others up, think of others more than myself, and grow in compassion and understanding of others. Walk in awareness that sometimes others need someone else to care at a low point in their life.
A life without Poor Self Care would allow me the opportunity to live a long health life I want to live rather than medicating myself to death. It will allow me the opportunity to enjoy life because I feel good and no longer withdraw out of fear through medication of some sort. Only potential lies ahead as I choose to live life abundantly rather than in fear.
A life without Justification would allow the opportunity to know myself without blaming, accusing or criticize others for situations I felt were substandard. It would cause me to walk in integrity, no longer acting in a covert way to get others to agree with me so I can feel good about myself. It will allow me to face my feelings of inferiority and to no longer live in Fear of "Not Looking Good" in other people's eyes as I’m no longer looking for them to esteem me, but I know how to do that for myself.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
What a Queen wants from her King
I was working with a couple and the husband kept trying to get the wife to change in some areas. He was clearly frustrated because he wasn't seeing the change he was hoping for, and had about given up.
I asked the wife to write out how she would like to be approached by her husband when he is frustrated by her behavior. How could he lead her in a way that would work for her?
This is what she wrote.
PRAY
- Ask God to show you if there is truth in your request
- Ask God to help you see if there is a log in your own eye
- Pray for my area of weakness
- Pray with me before and after you talk to me, to keep unity in our relationship
FOCUS ON THE ISSUE
- Please name the specific thing that bothers you (not me, the behavior) – ie: dirty dishes in the sink, ants
- Use a feeling word. Not “I feel that;" rather, "I feel sad."
- Don't use judgmental words & phrases that describe me as a person – you're irresponsible, you don’t care, retard
TALK TO ME IN A RESPECTFUL MANNER
- Use a normal tone of voice, not an elevated one
- Speak slowly
- Do not use my first name
- Do not use sarcasm
- Do not make fun of me
MAKE ME FEEL SAFE
- Use a non-threatening body posture
- Refrain from using your body for emphasis, to make your point
- Don't point your finger at me, or gesture emphatically with your hands
- Ask before touching me
SANDWICH
- Share something positive about me before and after our talk
BE AN EXAMPLE
- Don’t ask me to do something that you would not be willing to do
- Do what you're asking me to do a couple of times before approaching me about it, so you know what it is really like.
- Be consistent. Don't ask for change in a certain area, and then care more about something else.
SPEAK TO ME USING MY LEARNING STYLE
- I understand about 15% of all verbal communication. It is what it is.
- Write down what you want me to do, specifically.
- Demonstrate what you want done. Show me what it looks like.
- Use visual and experiental communication
PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION
- Specify a measureable goal that you would like me to work towards.
- Track my progress. Pay attention.
- Acknowledge growth and progress exuberantly.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
- Let me know you love ME as a person, not just what I do
- Stay committed to me for the long run, even if this doesn't go as smoothly or as quickly as you want.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Who I Am
One of my clients was struggling with damaging thoughts of negativity about herself that told her she was worthless, unloveable, and hopeless whenever she would experience negativity from others. I asked her to spend some to figure out who she really was. This is what she came up with...
I AM…
- Someone God gave a hug to
- Someone Jesus died for on the cross
- Someone Jesus went out searching for
- Someone who loves God
- Someone who loves the truth
- Someone who has put their entire hope in Jesus Christ.
- Someone God took into his own family, adopted (daughter redeemed by Jesus)
- Someone who knows Jesus as their Savior and God, not a mere teacher or man
- Someone who senses a lot within the emotional and spiritual realms.
- Someone who hears God in the desert (well, anywhere, really; but desert is special).
- Someone who chooses God over my family, in spite of the pain of their rejection of me on account of this choice
- Someone who mourns sin
- Someone who doesn’t have to prove anything to anybody (because Jesus proved HIMself worthy, Him alone).
- Someone God has healed three different times and ways, each a miracle:
Of spiritual cancer: He gave eternal life to me when I was saved, He began cleaning me up inside, stopped my drinking and other destructive behaviors, gave me hope (1993)
Of physical cancer: God told me my lymph nodes would be negative when I was diagnosed with a fast-growing and spreading type of breast cancer (1999). Lymph nodes were found to be negative after the surgery, no spreading, to the doctor’s surprise. It was the first time I’d really “heard Him” tell me something, and I began practicing “listening” to Him. All the doctors were somewhat negative about the prognosis for my type of cancer, in spite of the negative lymph nodes. I went to five different oncologists, trying to find someone upbeat! I had a dream where I was seeing a new doctor, bringing in all the lab work and tests, telling him how bad it was, how fast-spreading, how quick growing, how difficult to treat because it was resistant to certain cancer treatments (could not use tamoxifin or herceptin). I couldn’t see his face. He just sat there quietly, paging unhurriedly through the reports. Then he smiled and said, “This one is easy. It’s not a problem. This one’s easy to fix.” He wasn’t fazed at all, but was incredibly calm and confident, with no doubts whatsoever about His point of view, that it was factual truth. I woke up knowing it was Jesus in my dream. I am cancer free 9+ years later.
Of emotional cancer: emotional and psychological abuse growing up. Now God has chosen to tackle my innermost pain and grief that has eaten away at me and eroded my inner self for about 30+ years, since childhood/teen years; healing the WHY’s of my addictions, revealing and treating PTSD, and correcting specific misconceptions I’ve had since childhood about myself, my family, my world, and a few about God Himself. He has drawn me into a deeper, intimate, dwelling, abiding relationship with Him. (2007-2008 and continuing).
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Dear Husband,
This is a letter one of my clients wrote to her husband recently.
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These are the reasons I married you
- Because I loved God (and thought you did too)
- Because I loved you and was delighted in who you were
- Honesty: Because I was completely transparent with you, and I thought you were too
- Faithfulness: Because I had no thought of ever going outside the boundaries of my marriage
- Compassion and forgiveness: Because it appeared to me that you knew my shortfalls and failings, and that they were not of paramount importance to you
- Holiness: because I saw you interested in prayer, and reading.
Who I was before I married you: Not perfect, but happy and active. Being creative with my writing, singing, and friendships.
Now I don’t write, I don’t sing, and I don’t get together with friends.
I am not who I was, because I have tried to be a teammate with you.
I think you have a great deal of passive aggression toward me because you are directing your anger at your mother’s manipulation toward me, in indirect ways.
What things are like for us now...
I know that you blame me for not wanting to go to church—but you treat me like a child at church. You order me around, reprimand me if I don’t stand, sit, or move the way you think I should. I am not allowed to meet or interact with anyone. You stand up and head straight for the door without glancing left or right, you go straight to the car.
Day in and day out, you criticize me. You have criticized all of my relationships—wife mother, daughter, niece, grandma, sister, aunt. You have criticized me in all of them, saying I don’t relate to them in the way you think I should. But if I dare to mention your family, you blow a fuse. And when you do that, I start to disappear.
If I spend money, you are enraged. Yet you won’t sit down and do a budget with me, so I don’t have a clue about what is going on. Then you criticize and demean me unfairly by giving me information after the fact, ie, “I had to get $500 out of savings to pay the house payment.”
I have been pretty much cut out of domestics. You don’t like the way I do laundry, clean a bathroom, vacuum, the way I decorate the walls, and anyone number of other things. You don’t like my pile of magazines, yet you pile up your dressers, the living room end table, the coffee table, and it is your doing and OK.
You never reach for me and indicate any interest in touching me, holding me, or loving me. YET you lie back and expect me to speak to you in your love language, touch. Days go by without touch and affection unless I initiate. This is not acceptable to me.
I am uncertain of your promise that you would not abandon me or leave me homeless ever again. I am uncertain that you will maintain that commitment.
the bottom line
As a result of my belief that compromise and acceptance of each other is necessary in order to come together as one....
Financial control stops now. I will have my paycheck changed to my account. If you need money, you will have to come to me and we can discuss it.
Criticism stops now. If you cannot live with me in a home of love and kindness, I won’t be here. I will not tolerate the day-in, day-out of you picking at me and letting me know that I do not measure up or am less than I should be. The day-to-day comments that leave me feeling cut. I don’t care what it looks like to anyone else, I will go stay somewhere else, and the car will go with me.
Comments on my relationships, behavior, ways of thinking, activities, opinions, stop at this moment. Either you speak with love and a positive attitude or you don’t speak to me at all.
You need to take a stand for your marriage with your family. Either they treat me as they treat you, with respect and caring, or you will not be involved or open to phone calls or emails, or any other communication with them,. I AM YOUR FAMILY. You either declare it to them and enforce it, or I can’t live in your house anymore. You have to take a stand with them and let the chips fall where they may. They will get over it.
If you want me, you will change. If you don’t want me, tell me now so I can plan accordingly. I am capable, intelligent, loving, warm, and caring. If you cannot begin to accept who I am and encourage me to be a better me, then I am not sure why I should stay.
Frankly, I don’t believe that there is anything in this marriage that matters enough to you to make you want to change. I am here. I am willing to grow and change.
What about you?
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
character building experiences of my life
I was sexually abused a little after I became a Christian. It tore my self-esteem to threads. However I put on a happy face and became a people pleaser. My emotions became mixed with fear but I really desired to please God, and I was very glad I was a Christian. I always went to church on Sunday and Wednesday night prayer meeting.
I really felt different from others, and scared from the abuse, but kept it a secret. I felt very dirty with that part of my life. However, I put on a bold front.
I started school and did very well, mostly A’s. Then in grade 4 a boy on the school bus started molesting me. My grades went down to average and stayed that way throughout my school years. I began to think I was very dumb. However I did excel in sports, art, and public speaking, and was generally well liked.
My legalistic parents seemed to give mixed messages about love, grace, and work. My dad always said, “Be sure your sins will find you out.” I don’t know where that came from. I tried to be perfect but I knew I wasn’t, nor ever could be.
Then came High School. It was very scary. Boys liked me and girls didn’t - except the poor, abnormal types. I still went to church faithfully because I really did believe, and my parents would have made me anyhow. I organized prayer meetings at school with these girls and invited them to church. No one ever talked to them, which I thought was very strange. Some of them did become Christians. During the last week of school in my senior year my Social Studies teacher complimented me on my good standards and encouraged me to continue in that way. That was encouraging to me, coming from a non Christian.
Then I went off to Bible school to become a better – super Christian, and find a wonderful Christian man for a husband. None of that happened. Rules and regulations we on the top of the agenda. I was offended so many times by bad remarks. The prayer leader of my class told my roommate that I would go out with any man who had pants on. That tore me apart. I took it so personally, since I already believed I was dirty. One guy did start liking me. We weren’t supposed to hold hands so when he tried I told him he couldn't. He left Bible School shortly afterward and never talked to me again. No guys hardly ever talked to me for the 3 years. I wondered if I gave off the wrong impression. Normal girls didn’t want me as their friend either. I was again the friend of the odd ones. Also, I could not understand the teachers and what they were teaching. Nothing seemed personal. I always thought I was so dumb especially because I couldn’t remember trivia, which a lot of the Old Testament is about.
I know now my faith was very shallow and weak. The abuses and lack of wisdom took me away from the church and from God. I always believed but thought I could find God somewhere else.
I went to University. My girlfriends were normal, one studying to be a doctor of medicine, brilliant and the other a professor’s daughter. I dated a big football star for a while and then one of the most handsome guys at university. I was having a pretty wild life by then. I felt so awful and far away from God. I graduated shortly after I met my husband to be. I was so happy and feeling so complete I did my practice teaching for 3 weeks. The examiner gave me excellent in everything. I felt confidence because I was in love and someone actually loved me enough to marry me.
Of course that confidence soon dissipated as the abuse started. The worst 16 years of my life began. I did begin to reach out to God sometimes and remember a verse God I’m sure gave to me when the kids were very little. “I will be your husband and I will be a father to your children.” That verse kept me going for many years, even today I reflect and remember how I held on to that and still do. However following the divorce, I left, both families deserted me, emotionally mostly. My mother, sister and brothers were actually mean on top of it. This intensified and prolonged the pain and feelings of total unworthiness.
All my life I have felt I could never measure up or perform to gain God’s acceptance. I guess I never really believed I was totally loved by God. I now believe he totally loved me before I became a Christian and after. Through his marvelous gift of salvation through Jesus Christ I am guaranteed love and for all eternity. Nothing I could ever have done or continue to do could guarantee this. My peace or contentment may depend on my choices but basically I am free from condemnation and am totally and perfectly loved by my Heavenly Father without any so called good works or performance. My desire my whole life has been to do what pleased my God but the hurts, legalism, mixed messages and failures put me in an unattainable and losing position. I gave up over and over and now my life has a past that looks like shambles and irreparable damages. I believe God couldn’t get to me when I was being such a goody two-shoes, because my worth was coming from my own efforts instead of the value and worth that only God can give. So the pain of life is now worth tremendous value. I don’t think I could of learned this basic truth without this struggle. The joy I now feel is because of freedom from bondage from my own performance and assurance of the being with me as I talk to Him and ask Him directions for daily living. It doesn’t seem so complex, confusing or up to me entirely to fix everything. However I believe the “I can’t do it” statements and self pity mood is now changing to I can do it and take some responsibility for doing and changing some things that need improvement like getting my bookkeeping in order, taking computer classes, changing some clients to lighten my work load, going to church, getting a good Christian support system and lending a hand to help others, or just simply putting a smile on my face.
Getting more in to the word and finding the real truth, defusing the conflicts and wrong messages came as a result of the pain in life. Also I now don’t look at other Christian’s behavior as much. The truth is the truth regardless how so called Christians use it or abuse it. I now don’t need others to determine my self worth whether it comes in praises or criticism. My identity and worth come from God. If God be for me who can be against me? When I focus on the truth I stand firm, when I focus on the world and all my problems I fall. This will be my lifelong battle - a daily exercise.