I was born to Christian parents, and raised on a farm. I was the middle of 5 siblings. I remember mostly happy times, running around the farm playing with my younger brothers. I became a Christian at the age of 5 and remember it being a very happy moment. Sunshine seemed to light up the kitchen. My mother led me to the Lord.
I was sexually abused a little after I became a Christian. It tore my self-esteem to threads. However I put on a happy face and became a people pleaser. My emotions became mixed with fear but I really desired to please God, and I was very glad I was a Christian. I always went to church on Sunday and Wednesday night prayer meeting.
I really felt different from others, and scared from the abuse, but kept it a secret. I felt very dirty with that part of my life. However, I put on a bold front.
I started school and did very well, mostly A’s. Then in grade 4 a boy on the school bus started molesting me. My grades went down to average and stayed that way throughout my school years. I began to think I was very dumb. However I did excel in sports, art, and public speaking, and was generally well liked.
My legalistic parents seemed to give mixed messages about love, grace, and work. My dad always said, “Be sure your sins will find you out.” I don’t know where that came from. I tried to be perfect but I knew I wasn’t, nor ever could be.
Then came High School. It was very scary. Boys liked me and girls didn’t - except the poor, abnormal types. I still went to church faithfully because I really did believe, and my parents would have made me anyhow. I organized prayer meetings at school with these girls and invited them to church. No one ever talked to them, which I thought was very strange. Some of them did become Christians. During the last week of school in my senior year my Social Studies teacher complimented me on my good standards and encouraged me to continue in that way. That was encouraging to me, coming from a non Christian.
Then I went off to Bible school to become a better – super Christian, and find a wonderful Christian man for a husband. None of that happened. Rules and regulations we on the top of the agenda. I was offended so many times by bad remarks. The prayer leader of my class told my roommate that I would go out with any man who had pants on. That tore me apart. I took it so personally, since I already believed I was dirty. One guy did start liking me. We weren’t supposed to hold hands so when he tried I told him he couldn't. He left Bible School shortly afterward and never talked to me again. No guys hardly ever talked to me for the 3 years. I wondered if I gave off the wrong impression. Normal girls didn’t want me as their friend either. I was again the friend of the odd ones. Also, I could not understand the teachers and what they were teaching. Nothing seemed personal. I always thought I was so dumb especially because I couldn’t remember trivia, which a lot of the Old Testament is about.
I know now my faith was very shallow and weak. The abuses and lack of wisdom took me away from the church and from God. I always believed but thought I could find God somewhere else.
I went to University. My girlfriends were normal, one studying to be a doctor of medicine, brilliant and the other a professor’s daughter. I dated a big football star for a while and then one of the most handsome guys at university. I was having a pretty wild life by then. I felt so awful and far away from God. I graduated shortly after I met my husband to be. I was so happy and feeling so complete I did my practice teaching for 3 weeks. The examiner gave me excellent in everything. I felt confidence because I was in love and someone actually loved me enough to marry me.
Of course that confidence soon dissipated as the abuse started. The worst 16 years of my life began. I did begin to reach out to God sometimes and remember a verse God I’m sure gave to me when the kids were very little. “I will be your husband and I will be a father to your children.” That verse kept me going for many years, even today I reflect and remember how I held on to that and still do. However following the divorce, I left, both families deserted me, emotionally mostly. My mother, sister and brothers were actually mean on top of it. This intensified and prolonged the pain and feelings of total unworthiness.
All my life I have felt I could never measure up or perform to gain God’s acceptance. I guess I never really believed I was totally loved by God. I now believe he totally loved me before I became a Christian and after. Through his marvelous gift of salvation through Jesus Christ I am guaranteed love and for all eternity. Nothing I could ever have done or continue to do could guarantee this. My peace or contentment may depend on my choices but basically I am free from condemnation and am totally and perfectly loved by my Heavenly Father without any so called good works or performance. My desire my whole life has been to do what pleased my God but the hurts, legalism, mixed messages and failures put me in an unattainable and losing position. I gave up over and over and now my life has a past that looks like shambles and irreparable damages. I believe God couldn’t get to me when I was being such a goody two-shoes, because my worth was coming from my own efforts instead of the value and worth that only God can give. So the pain of life is now worth tremendous value. I don’t think I could of learned this basic truth without this struggle. The joy I now feel is because of freedom from bondage from my own performance and assurance of the being with me as I talk to Him and ask Him directions for daily living. It doesn’t seem so complex, confusing or up to me entirely to fix everything. However I believe the “I can’t do it” statements and self pity mood is now changing to I can do it and take some responsibility for doing and changing some things that need improvement like getting my bookkeeping in order, taking computer classes, changing some clients to lighten my work load, going to church, getting a good Christian support system and lending a hand to help others, or just simply putting a smile on my face.
Getting more in to the word and finding the real truth, defusing the conflicts and wrong messages came as a result of the pain in life. Also I now don’t look at other Christian’s behavior as much. The truth is the truth regardless how so called Christians use it or abuse it. I now don’t need others to determine my self worth whether it comes in praises or criticism. My identity and worth come from God. If God be for me who can be against me? When I focus on the truth I stand firm, when I focus on the world and all my problems I fall. This will be my lifelong battle - a daily exercise.
I was sexually abused a little after I became a Christian. It tore my self-esteem to threads. However I put on a happy face and became a people pleaser. My emotions became mixed with fear but I really desired to please God, and I was very glad I was a Christian. I always went to church on Sunday and Wednesday night prayer meeting.
I really felt different from others, and scared from the abuse, but kept it a secret. I felt very dirty with that part of my life. However, I put on a bold front.
I started school and did very well, mostly A’s. Then in grade 4 a boy on the school bus started molesting me. My grades went down to average and stayed that way throughout my school years. I began to think I was very dumb. However I did excel in sports, art, and public speaking, and was generally well liked.
My legalistic parents seemed to give mixed messages about love, grace, and work. My dad always said, “Be sure your sins will find you out.” I don’t know where that came from. I tried to be perfect but I knew I wasn’t, nor ever could be.
Then came High School. It was very scary. Boys liked me and girls didn’t - except the poor, abnormal types. I still went to church faithfully because I really did believe, and my parents would have made me anyhow. I organized prayer meetings at school with these girls and invited them to church. No one ever talked to them, which I thought was very strange. Some of them did become Christians. During the last week of school in my senior year my Social Studies teacher complimented me on my good standards and encouraged me to continue in that way. That was encouraging to me, coming from a non Christian.
Then I went off to Bible school to become a better – super Christian, and find a wonderful Christian man for a husband. None of that happened. Rules and regulations we on the top of the agenda. I was offended so many times by bad remarks. The prayer leader of my class told my roommate that I would go out with any man who had pants on. That tore me apart. I took it so personally, since I already believed I was dirty. One guy did start liking me. We weren’t supposed to hold hands so when he tried I told him he couldn't. He left Bible School shortly afterward and never talked to me again. No guys hardly ever talked to me for the 3 years. I wondered if I gave off the wrong impression. Normal girls didn’t want me as their friend either. I was again the friend of the odd ones. Also, I could not understand the teachers and what they were teaching. Nothing seemed personal. I always thought I was so dumb especially because I couldn’t remember trivia, which a lot of the Old Testament is about.
I know now my faith was very shallow and weak. The abuses and lack of wisdom took me away from the church and from God. I always believed but thought I could find God somewhere else.
I went to University. My girlfriends were normal, one studying to be a doctor of medicine, brilliant and the other a professor’s daughter. I dated a big football star for a while and then one of the most handsome guys at university. I was having a pretty wild life by then. I felt so awful and far away from God. I graduated shortly after I met my husband to be. I was so happy and feeling so complete I did my practice teaching for 3 weeks. The examiner gave me excellent in everything. I felt confidence because I was in love and someone actually loved me enough to marry me.
Of course that confidence soon dissipated as the abuse started. The worst 16 years of my life began. I did begin to reach out to God sometimes and remember a verse God I’m sure gave to me when the kids were very little. “I will be your husband and I will be a father to your children.” That verse kept me going for many years, even today I reflect and remember how I held on to that and still do. However following the divorce, I left, both families deserted me, emotionally mostly. My mother, sister and brothers were actually mean on top of it. This intensified and prolonged the pain and feelings of total unworthiness.
All my life I have felt I could never measure up or perform to gain God’s acceptance. I guess I never really believed I was totally loved by God. I now believe he totally loved me before I became a Christian and after. Through his marvelous gift of salvation through Jesus Christ I am guaranteed love and for all eternity. Nothing I could ever have done or continue to do could guarantee this. My peace or contentment may depend on my choices but basically I am free from condemnation and am totally and perfectly loved by my Heavenly Father without any so called good works or performance. My desire my whole life has been to do what pleased my God but the hurts, legalism, mixed messages and failures put me in an unattainable and losing position. I gave up over and over and now my life has a past that looks like shambles and irreparable damages. I believe God couldn’t get to me when I was being such a goody two-shoes, because my worth was coming from my own efforts instead of the value and worth that only God can give. So the pain of life is now worth tremendous value. I don’t think I could of learned this basic truth without this struggle. The joy I now feel is because of freedom from bondage from my own performance and assurance of the being with me as I talk to Him and ask Him directions for daily living. It doesn’t seem so complex, confusing or up to me entirely to fix everything. However I believe the “I can’t do it” statements and self pity mood is now changing to I can do it and take some responsibility for doing and changing some things that need improvement like getting my bookkeeping in order, taking computer classes, changing some clients to lighten my work load, going to church, getting a good Christian support system and lending a hand to help others, or just simply putting a smile on my face.
Getting more in to the word and finding the real truth, defusing the conflicts and wrong messages came as a result of the pain in life. Also I now don’t look at other Christian’s behavior as much. The truth is the truth regardless how so called Christians use it or abuse it. I now don’t need others to determine my self worth whether it comes in praises or criticism. My identity and worth come from God. If God be for me who can be against me? When I focus on the truth I stand firm, when I focus on the world and all my problems I fall. This will be my lifelong battle - a daily exercise.
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