What a Queen wants from her King

I was working with a couple and the husband kept trying to get the wife to change in some areas. He was clearly frustrated because he wasn't seeing the change he was hoping for, and had about given up.

I asked the wife to write out how she would like to be approached by her husband when he is frustrated by her behavior. How could he lead her in a way that would work for her?

This is what she wrote.

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PRAY

• Ask God to show you if there is truth in your request
• Ask God to help you see if there is a log in your own eye
• Pray for my area of weakness
• Pray with me before and after you talk to me, to keep unity in our relationship

FOCUS ON THE ISSUE

• Please name the specific thing that bothers you (not me, the behavior) – ie: dirty dishes in the sink, ants
• Use a feeling word. Not “I feel that;" rather, "I feel sad."
• Don't use judgmental words & phrases that describe me as a person – you're irresponsible, you don’t care, retard

TALK TO ME IN A RESPECTFUL MANNER

• Use a normal tone of voice, not an elevated one
• Speak slowly
• Do not use my first name
• Do not use sarcasm
• Do not make fun of me

MAKE ME FEEL SAFE

• Use a non-threatening body posture
• Refrain from using your body for emphasis, to make your point
• Don't point your finger at me, or gesture emphatically with your hands
• Ask before touching me

SANDWICH

• Share something positive about me before and after our talk

BE AN EXAMPLE

• Don’t ask me to do something that you would not be willing to do
• Do what you're asking me to do a couple of times before approaching me about it, so you know what it is really like.
• Be consistent. Don't ask for change in a certain area, and then care more about something else.

SPEAK TO ME USING MY LEARNING STYLE

• I understand about 15% of all verbal communication. It is what it is.
• Write down what you want me to do, specifically.
• Demonstrate what you want done. Show me what it looks like.
• Use visual and experiental communication

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

• Specify a measureable goal that you would like me to work towards.
• Track my progress. Pay attention.
• Acknowledge growth and progress exuberantly.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

• Let me know you love ME as a person, not just what I do
• Stay committed to me for the long run, even if this doesn't go as smoothly or as quickly as you want.