The Burner

I am helping one of my clients experience some very painful moments from her past. She wrote this particularly raw expression of what it is like for her to do. She is very courageous. Used with permission.

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Before she even knocks, he says “Come in.”

Entering a small room with a living area and a kitchenette, she immediately eyes the stove, knowing what will happen shortly.

The Coach makes a joke, trying to ease into the situation; trying to make her laugh, so she can relax for later sharing and experiencing.

Coach instructs, “It’s time now; please stand up.”

She obediently stands to her feet, although with much hesitation. As he faces her, the Coach talks quietly and draws her back into her past. He asks the questions, and she remembers. As the remembrance of pain draws closer she can no longer look into his eyes. Her eyes close tight; somehow she must not go “quite there”.

“Melissa, Open your eyes.”

She opens her eyes. Yet immediately her head turns to the left as she unconsciously drifts into the trance.

Coach puts his hands on both her shoulders. “Look at me Melissa.” “Look directly at me. Focus on me. Come back to reality. You can do this.”

Slowly she turns to re-focus on her Coach’s face, on his voice, on his request.

“Now, together we will do this.” As one unit, they walk to the stove where the coiled burner is red hot.

“I cannot feel this pain for you; you must do it yourself. But I am right next to you. I am right here. And I will be here when it’s over.”

She doesn’t want to touch it. She doesn’t want to re-experience the pain. Her body screams not to do this. Don’t invite more pain.

Some days the Coach only requests she touch one finger to a hot coil. Today, though, she must put her whole hand flat on the red burner.

He holds her left hand, as her right hand stretches toward the coil.

Trembling; her entire body shakes.

Mentally she takes flight and leaves the room. Her hand stretches out and is placed on the heat.

The pain seers throughout her body. She can no longer stay in a trance. She has to feel what is right in front of her; what she is experiencing at the moment.

Several moments pass.

“OK, you can let go now,” says Coach.

Removing her hand from the burner she starts to shake uncontrollably. For the next 5 minutes her body is in tremors.

Her heart palpitates so fast it feels like it will come out of her chest.

“Take a deep breath. Keep breathing in and out. In and out,” she instructs herself.

Slowly she calms herself.

Coach watches her body start to relax again.

They pray together; she heads to the door. Once out the door, she slowly plods through the hallway. Her feet feel like lead; her heart heavy from the experience.